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I’ll be doing a set of short pieces in Clitheroe on April 1st as part of Outspoken’s ’3P’ events coming to the north for the first time. I’ve decided to a set of shorts, that are (hopefully) amusing.
Here’s a taster…
PATIENCE
Contrary to popular belief, patience is not a card game for just one player. It is, in fact, a fundamentally two-player game – a detail sadly overlooked in most rule books.
Player One deals the cards and proceeds to arrange them by suit and rank according to certain spatial rules. This half of the game is familiar to us all and requires no further explanation.
Sadly, what is often neglected is the role of Player Two. Thankfully, it seems we have an instinctive facility to abide by the true system that the rulebooks overlook. The game begins when Player One invites Player Two to a game of Rummy, Pontoon, Go Fish etcetera – it isn’t important which game, as long as it is for two players. Player Two then declines. (Experienced players may at this point enter into a series of coercions and refusals, but new players may skip this step for now).
Player One shuffles and deals the cards for a game of patience. Within a few minutes, Player Two should seat himself uninvited at a convenient distance and, judging their timing with care, should begin to offer Helpful Hints, kindly pointing out any missed opportunities on the part of Player One, trying to achieve a score of 21 comments.
Needless to say, the true object of the game for Player One is not to assemble the cards by suit and rank, but in doing so, without wrapping Player Two’s eyebrows around their fist. Clearly, the difficulty of such a task may go some way to explaining why these rules have fallen by the wayside.



